_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... Vegas, 1976 by Mad Mac >>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ |____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____| Yeah, I remember this one time back in '76 when I found myself in the washroom at the Sands in Los Vegas, beat the shit out of the towelboy, and then locked myself in one of the stalls and began stamping my left foot as I splashed the toilet water on my face and stuffed my pants with tissue paper. I'm screaming about the time the aliens landed in my C-rations back in '72, in 'Nam, and all of the sudden I notice this pair of shoes in the stall next to me. So, I reach down and grab them and yank real hard. I hear this nasal yelp, and this fat-ass falls off the toilet and plops on the floor. I decide I'm gonna kill this fat fuck, so I pull my .357 and cock it as I open the door to my stall and walk out. I yank the door open to the stall next to me, and guess who the fuck it was? You'll never guess. Some guy who looked like fucking Wayne Newtan is sitting in a pile of shit on the floor with a coke mirror and an issue of HINEY BOY and probably the closest thing to an erection he can achieve. Anyways, so I says to him, "Get your fat ass off the floor before I punch a fucking hole in your head and that fucking hamburger you call brains falls all over this floor." He jumped to his feet, not even bothering to pick up his pants from around his ankles. "Turn around," I tell him. Being totally friggin' scared for his life, he does. "Bend over," I tell him. He starts fucking whimpering as he bends over and crying. And at first he yelps, but then he starts acting like he's enjoying it or something, which pisses me off to the max, so like the true James Bloodsmoke that I am, I pull my gun out of his ass, and I blow one of his balls off. He starts screaming and shit, and falls on the floor bleeding. That fucking .357 fucking disintegrated his ball sack, and the other ball is like hanging out of it like it's on some kind of fucking grisly string. Anyway, so NOW he starts whimpering in earnest, and he's crying like some kind of fucking baby, trying to shove his other ball back through the fucking gaping hole in his fucking scrotum. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I scream, and now he knows I mean business. So I tell him to get up, turn around, and bend over. This time he's REALLY scared shitless, because he's only got one ball left, and I'm really pissed. "You like this shit, do you?" I ask, picking up his HINEY BOY magazine and slapping him over the head with it. "I think I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson, fat boy." <<---- ---- ---- ---- >> The next morning I got up, went downstairs for coffee and a donut. As I was sitting at my table reading the days headlines, I noticed one that really caught my eye. "LOCAL ENTERTAINER IN HOSPITAL--SEE PAGE 6" So, I flip to page 6, and there as big as life, is the story of how Wayne Newtan was admitted to OUR LADY OF THE BLOODY FUCKING DRIPPING PLASMA HEART WITH A FUCKING SWORD THROUGH IT hospital on the outskirts of Vegas, where he had to have an obstruction surgically removed from his ass: Local surgeons were summoned to County Hospital early this morning in response to an emergency call from a local entertainer. The entertainer was diagnosed as having an acute intestinal blockage, and went into surgery to remove the obstruction at 6:00 A.M. this morning. The doctors were surprised to remove several items from Mr. Newtan's intestinal tract, including a magazine, several shards of glass, what appeared to be several toilet handles, assorted small change, a bath towel, several .357 rounds, an object which appeared to be the tip of a boot, several lightbulbs, a Zippo lighter, a can of beer, and lastly, a playing card - the ace of spades. Needless to say, the doctors were surprised at the amount of debris, and the patient declined to comment upon how they got there. He was also treated for a groin injury and is presently in intensive care. I couldn't stop laughing. The fucker was lucky I didn't ace him the minute I saw the coke. EPILOGUE: I went to go see one of his shows a couple of weeks later. After the show, I pushed my way to the front of the crowd outside of the dressing room waiting for his autograph. He came out and began doing his signing. I stepped up and handed him something to sign. He looked at the ace of spades card I handed him and went white as a sheet. "Hello, Wayne. Read any good books lately?" I chuckled. "Sign it, 'To my good friend, Mac.'" _______ __________________________________________________________________ / _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842| ((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362| [ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF| \ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020| (' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! | (U) |==================================================================| .ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Mad Mac. | \_______/|All Rights Reserved. 05/01/1994-#260|