_______________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _ _ ((___)) ((___)) [ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ] \ / presents... \ / (' ') (' ') (U) (U) Screwdriver Flippin' by Sunspot >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- _______________________________________________________________________________ As we enter the abyss of totally unimaginative text files, we come up with yet another totally useless one by Sunspot, who never ceases to amaze us with his virtually endless supply of stupidity and disobjectivity. Now, if that was supposed to make sense, I wouldn't have put it in some stupid t-file, now would I? Eh? Well, now that I have successfully wasted 7 lines on philosophical bullshit, on with the supposed lessons on the fine art of what has come to be called screwdriver flippin' (flipping for those of us less daring to take a trip on the wild side). Actually, there is no art and no such thing. I actually just came up with the idea while sitting here in front of my idling word processor (it's Easyscript, by the way, and this is the 17th or so file I've written with it, God bless the thing. Anyways, I was just sitting here, staring at this rather ugly eight or so inch screwdriver, with a deformed head and a disgusting yellowish dirty handle with orange paint sprinkled onto it. The screwdriver also features a hole through the middle which says, on one side, "insert wire" and on the other side, "strip" for whatever fiendish reason man was not left to contemplate. Anyways, so I decided to flip it up in the air. So I did so, and decided upon the fact that I rather enjoyed wasting wasting time in such a foolish fashion, and continued my play. After several more flips, I thought how much more fun it might be to start catching the screwdriver on the way down, something I had previously neglected to do. So, on the next flip into the air, I reached out for the screwdriver on its spinning path to the floor and quite deftly cut myself with the aforementioned deformed head of the aforementioned screwdriver. So, I quickly cleaned and bandaged the wound (being an extremely safety-conscious person, especially when the safety involved is my own!), and proceeded to try to flip again. Before we proceed, let me take this time to quickly say that "Wild Thing" by the legend Jimi Hendrix is currently coming from my stereo, so all you people who wonder where I get my inspiration from, well, now you can say you know, even though Jimi Hendrix is not the answer. And if you didn't care where I get my inspir- ation from, well, fuck you. So on with the file! Now that I have been all nicely bandaged up, I proceeded to flip the screwdriver into the air once more, this time reaching out and deftly catching it during mid-flip. I was quite proud of myself needless to say, and had a hearty chuckle all to myself. Upon completion of my little bout of self-appreciation, I flipped the screwdriver expertly into the air. (Oh yes, I was becoming quite the flipping connoisseur!) I then casually stretched out my hand (which was no longer hurting quite so much, may I add) and caught the gyrating screwdriver with a flick of the wrist. I was quite ecstatic at that point, and began practicing different ways of flipping and catching, and soon I felt like quite a bit of an expert on the subject of screwdriver flipping. Were there to be a contest of the sport sometime in the near future, I felt quite sure that I would be the proud victor by a wide margin. Of course, by this time, my wounded appendage was quite healed, so I removed the bandages from my hand with a smile. Ah, what a glorious looking gash across my palm! Battle scars of a novice attempting his first flip! I would wear the torn flesh proudly! So with my now unbandaged hand, I snapped my wrist and up flew my lifelong friend and partner in flipping, the glorious instrument making all of this fun possible, the screwdriver.... Up and up it flew, twirling, spinning, flipping in the air, catching glints of light reflecting off of its beautiful stainless steel body, end over end over end, yellow, orange, and silver mixing together, blending, and forming intricate patterns of color, in a breathtaking display of its innermost beauty. Then, at the very height of its crescendo, it slowed in the air, and by God, I swear that it actually stopped for a solid ten seconds in mid-air, and then began its twisting, twining path to my waiting hand. It gathered speed as it fell, becoming a whirling dervish of beauty, sparks flying from it as it slashed through the air around it, anxious for the touch of its masters hand once more. "Come to me!" I screamed, "Fly to my hand, straight and true!" And fly it did. Oh what a glorious sight to behold! Shredding the very air itself, leaving a vacuum in its wake, on its path to my hand. With a graceful sweep of the aforementioned hand (you know, the one with the gash in it), I snatched the missile from heaven out of it's hissing descent and clasped it to my heart in never-ending joy. Sound, light, and love exploded, as my head was swept in a wash of color (the reason for this, I later found out, was because upon clasp- ing the screwdriver to my heart, I had neglected to point the tip away from myself, thus puncturing my chest with a resounding thunk and pop as I withdrew it, heedless of the pain. Upon this time I'm quite afraid I fainted and had to be operated upon for quite a few hours, after which I was returned to my room with strict instructions to stay away from anything sharp. I sat there, dejected, until I saw my still-on word processor. I proceeded to type up this true story about myself and how you should never ever flip screwdrivers, no matter what! And as we reach the conclusion of this story, if you are still reading it, let me bring to your attention the fact that you have just read far too many lines of pure, 100%, unpasteurized, fresh, bullshit. This story has absolutely nothing to do with anything and was written entirely out of suicidal boredom. And there you were, thinking that you were about to read something interesting, or if not interesting or educational, at least the slightest bit worth reading. What a fucking gyp. _______________________________________________________________________________ Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321 Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606 Question Authority........715/341-6516 Pure Nihilism.............517/337-7319 Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668 =============================================================================== (c)1988 cDc communications by Sunspot 10/17/88-11/23/88-86 All Rights Worth Shit  Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253