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I don't have attention deficit disorder. I know this. Atleast I tell myself this. Although when I sit and listen to people talk all I can do is think about the buttons on the remote control or maybe the stains on the wall. I try as hard as I can to listen and try and comprehend what the guy next to me is saying but I can't. It's all gibberish. Some of it sinks in, but most of it goes right out the other ear. I don't think I was born like this and I know throughout the early age of my life I could remember everything I was told. But now its just blah blah blah blah. Even when I'm talking to someone, it's not like I'm really talking to them. I'm just spurting out words of some alien language. I don't really comprehend what I'm saying just that I'm saying it. I don't know what causes this disease, I should probably look it up but I know I wont. I wonder if this is what keeps me in this rut I call life. I wonder if this is some sort of self disintegration or it's because I spent most of high school locked away from other people. I used to play on my computer allot, I thought it was a lot cooler than any of my friends at the time. I guess this is what happens when your overweight. Although I had lots of friends or so I thought. I still don't know why I stooped going to high school. Just one day I decided that it was boring and the things I was learning I could easily do without. Stupid me. If it wasn't for my Grandmother moving in I would probably never had graduated from high school. It's not because she saved me but she made it harder for me to not go to school. Finally the school decided to kick me out. They were actually not gonna let me go to school anymore because I wasn't going in the first place. What kind of fucked up punishment is that. I'm sure they were in their offices all laughing.. that'll learn him. Will teach him to be stupid and to regret his childish mistakes. Luckily for me my guidance counselor suggested that I go to a "satellite school" or alternative school. Usual a place they send kids who fucked up. You know the kinds who would bring pagers and drugs to school. Cause you know every kid with a pager was truly a drug dealer. They sent me to a program called Journey. I went to that for a total of 8 hours. The next day the bus came, I was asleep at home fearing that my grandmother would come in and start screaming at me for not going to school. That never happened though. The bus came and went. I was free from school or so I thought. Then someone at the school board realized that I wasn't there. So back again to the counselor I went and this time she set up an appointment for me at another program called gateway. Yes it's right I actually had to go and interview so I could go to a school for fucked up kids. That makes a lot of sense. Lets take a kid who doesn't want to go to school in the first place and sit him in front of the people who want to keep him there. Tthere was a few days before I had to go to the interview. So in the mean time I decided that I want to join a health club. So my parents both of them, took me to a local club. I wanted to join to loose weight and try and get into shape. My father made it sound like it was the health club or school. His sole reason for me to join the club was that I wasn't in school. I needed something to do I guess. Anyway I never joined that club, instead I went to the interview and got accepted to gateway. I actually attended this program for the rest of my high school years. Although the education I got probably put me at the level of most junior high schoolers. They pretty much just handed out diplomas. I think they just wanted to get us out of the school system. I wouldn't blame them, do you think the tax payers would want to be paying for a school that is there for the sole purpose of kids who didn't want to go to school in the first place. I'm a tax payer and I probably would have said screw them, they don't want to go to school why should we force them. Alas I did graduate and I even got most likely to succeed from gateway. I consider it a great honor although I don't know why. I haven't really succeeded in much and the only reason I got it is because I gave the impression that I knew what I was talking about. Pretty much just like now. Could all of that self induced negativism have caused me to think I have A.D.D? Who knows or who cares. Least of all me. |